Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Vacation-not really

As Shane and I take our "big" vacation of the summer and Ansley's 2 year Angel Date has just passed on July 14th-I think that this is really not a vacation at all. This is a change of scenery. Everything we do is a reminder that in 2 years a person can drastically change your life. Before Ansley 2 years would not have changed anything much-but 2 years 2 months and 25 days has changed my life forever. There are many ways in which this little girl has changed me. Here are just a few and how they relate to vacation. Umm except the first one I just need to include it.
1. I never knew I could love freely and selfishly and "SO BIG"
2. Packing should not take only 20 minutes. I am supposed to have to pack lots of Ansley stuff to make sure that she has everything she needs
3. Going out to eat should not be easy
4. Being able to sleep in should not be an option
5. Not having to schedule in nap times is horrible
6. Having to take kids toys down to the beach for a sense of normalcy but not having Ansley to play with us them horrible (We take her "bucky" or bucket with us as a token of fun"
7. Watching other people play with their children at the beach brings a whole different feeling such as envy, anger, sadness
8. Having a nice convenient place directly on the beach with a pool does not seem so important-neither does having a DVD player or Noggin just in case we need to watch Dora, Blues Clues or Little Einsteins
9. Distance to drive is not important (but I am very aware that in the drive there are no stops for breaks, no car seat, and no little voice coming from the back seat)
10. No snuggle bug to wake up with in the morning or try to convince to snuggle in bed for just a bit. To wake up everyday into this hell and realize all over again that she is not here is dreadful.
Finally-Having to take Anlsey's picture and her blankie with us rather than her is crushing. I hate that to see her face everyday when we are on vacation that I have to bring one of her gorgeous 8 x 10 photos and her blankie for her smell. (We did bury her blankie with her-we had 2 that were alike so that one could be washed-this is the one that she was sleeping with when I found her and no, I have not washed it and do not know that I will.)
So after Ansley's death this is what "vacation" is like I said before not REALLY vacation but more of a change of scenery. 

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

One month-hold it together

This picture is taken at Ansley's surprise birthday party at her school-Creme de la Creme in Buckhead. She was so excited and in the picture is Ms. V one of her teachers. When we went to the school to tell them what happened (the Monday after the Saturday). Ms. V just kept screaming "my baby, my baby". My little girl is loved so much at that school and around the world!

Tomorrow will be exactly one month until Ansley's 4 year old birthday. I feel like I have to remember to breathe it hurts so bad. I think only my skin is holding me together-if I get even a paper cut I could fall a part.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Preparing for the 13th and 14th

I have a post coming soon. I am formulating my thoughts. This Friday is Friday the 13th and Saturday is Saturday the 14th. Ansley left this world on July Saturday 14th. When these dates match up every so often like they do this weekend it is very hard. So, I think this week I am going to tell her story of her last day on earth (Friday, July 13th) and the day that I found she was no longer with us (Saturday July 14th at 8:15 am). I just need to prepare myself to share this. I love you Ansley-Bug!

This picture was taken the Tuesday before she passed away. We were in Mississippi visiting her Grandpa Knoop, Grandma Jane, Aunt Vicki, and her favorite cousins Hannah and Brittany. As you can see she is happy, full of life, and super healthy.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

My Mom Gave me a Message

This evening my mom sat down to talk to me. My mom and I have had a very strained relationship since Ansley died. As you can imagine she took Ansley's death very hard. Her outsides match her insides where my insides most of the time remain hidden. (Due to being a teacher and the nature of my job I had to learn that skill rather quickly. Ansley died in mid July and my school year at a new school started  the last week of July. I learned QUICKLY to hide for the time I was at work). It is very painful for me to be around my mom and see her face and body language and know she is wearing what I am feeling. So, she sits down to talk to me like we can have a normal conversation. Immediately my guard is up. We do some small talk for a couple of minutes and then she asks "Do you talk to Ansley?" I said "What do you mean?" She explained that she was wondering if I talked to Ansley in the morning or during prayer time or say things like "Good Morning Pooks". I said "Every morning and every evening." This alone had my guard raised more. She then started discussing a trip she took last weekend to see her Aunt Virginia. She said on the drive over she was praying and that she wanted to feel Ansley around her. (She also explained that she has only dreamed of Ansley 3 times since she left this earth and the last one was Ansley knocking on her front door and when my mom answered it she gave her a big Ansley-bug hug and then she woke up) She then heard a little voice, Ansley's voice that said "Tell Mommy I Love her!" My mom was so excited to give me this message. I responded with frustration. She did not understand why. I defensively and not very nicely snipped well that's nice that YOU heard her voice and ME, her mommy did not hear her voice and you have to give ME a message that MY daughter loves me. She started apologizing and saying she did not mean to upset me. I then told her to stop apologizing. That I hated how we can not even pretend to be normal around each other anymore. She said that she did not know what to do and she kept apologizing. Tears are streaming down my face and I said just accept that I want to f----ing die and be with my baby. That I know it is hard for you to hear this because I am your daughter but nothing has changed for me I want to be with my baby. If you can accept this and be OK with it and stop trying to make things better-that would be better than now but you have to accept that I am miserable and I am going to be miserable. I am no longer happy Jessica with the perfect family. I am now miserable Jessica with the unhappy broken family. She said she would stop trying to make things better and would try to accept me for what I have become. I then explained to her that it is not that I do not want her to hear Ansley but I thought it was unfair that I did not hear Ansley tell me she loved me and to please be OK that it hurt me to hear that she was the one who heard my daughter's beautiful voice. When she was leaving I did manage to tell her that just because I did not think her delivering a message was fair did not mean that I didn't want to hear them. I thought that that was progress for me. To open the door for her to share in the future and not completely end it on the I don't want to hear it note.

If you are not a parent who has lost a child you may not understand at all what I mean when I say I want to die. This does not mean I am suicidal nor does it mean that I am going to take life threatening risk or that I want to leave my husband alone on this earth. What it does mean is that I want to be with my daughter. My daughter is in heaven so that's where I would like to be. It also means that life on this earth is excruciating and being dead would be much easier than dealing with this overwhelming electric shock of pain that daily takes my breath away. 

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

1 year 6 months

Today is the 1 year and 6 month anniversary of Ansley's death or "Angel Date" as most bereaved parents like to refer to this extremely devastating date. 1 year and 6 months, for some who read this or who know me this will seem like a long time. I tell you it is and it is not. It feels like yesterday I entered into this hell I am forced to now call life (it does not actually resemble living compared to my previous life that included my Ansley). It feels like yesterday that my daughter ran around my house demanding I chase her saying "This way, this way mommy" and it seems like yesterday where that beautiful happy life was ripped away from me when I walked casually into her room at 8:15 am in the morning to wake that sleepy little girl up (she normally got up at 6:00-6:30) and found her dead. Not blue, not unconscious- but dead. That is what I screamed hysterically and that is what I told the 911 operator. As Shane was working vigorously to revive her I told the operator "She is dead! She is dead, send someone to save her!" As I type this my heart is RIPPING open as it does constantly. A wound that never heals. 1 year and 6 months when I focus on that amount of time my brain literally can not compute. It says impossible! She was 2 years 2 months and 25 days old. That is more than 1/2 the time you were blessed to be her mommy here on earth. Impossible that you have been in this much pain for so long. IMPOSSIBLE that you have not held her, changed her diaper, fed, her, made her snack, bathed her, dressed her, took her to the park, took her to Little Gym, played in her Dora kitchen, played dress up, played, played, played, watched Blues Clues Dora and Little Einsteins lived your life, was happy, was whole. I pray nightly that I see her in my dreams, I think she only comes and visits me on days where I feel like I can not go on. The last time she came was on New Years Day. She appeared and I looked at her and said "Come on big girl" hopefully wanting her to choose to come withe me and her daddy. She put her finger up to her chin as she often did to ponder my request. She did not choose to stay-I woke up. I would do anything to have her back no matter how brief the time. I would trade my life in a heartbeat for her to come and be with her daddy and have all of the experiences she should have had on this Earth. It would be easier for both he and I that way. As much as I ache he equally does. 

I was watching Oprah today that I Tivoed and there was a mother who had lost her son and his twin brother was on. The brother said that the best way he could explain the loss is looking at a picture on the wall of what your life is supposed to be. What you think it will be. Then, that pictures crashes to the ground shattering into a million pieces and you have no idea how to put it together again and it is too painful to even think about. So, you just look at the picture of your shattered life laying on the ground. He then said after a long time and after something gives you purpose again you try to start carefully putting that picture back together again and as you do you realize it is a different picture. A picture of the different life you will live from then on and the pain of loosing the other picture is always there when you look at the new picture hanging on the wall. But, there is a new picture where the old once was.
I stop where the shattered picture is laying on the ground. I DO NOT WANT A NEW PICTURE! I WANT MY OLD ONE BACK!
Mommy loves you Ansley.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Today I took my class to see The Tale of Despereaux. We went to a 1:30 show. I thought all would be safe-more specifically I thought this would be nap time. Yet to my dismay there were 2 little toddler girls in the movie theater with their very sweet voices making comments such as "He fall down, is baby hurt?" This broke my heart. I am safe no where from this heart wrenching pain of not having Ansley here. 
On a more positive note the kids loved the movie and they are so excited about comparing the book and the movie. Throughout the entire movie they would say "Snoopie (that's what they call me because Knoop sounds very much like snoop), that didn't happen in the book!". Yay. Comparing and contrasting here we come.

I miss you Ansley-bug. I love you and would love to have my snuggle bear here tonight.