Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Vacation-not really

As Shane and I take our "big" vacation of the summer and Ansley's 2 year Angel Date has just passed on July 14th-I think that this is really not a vacation at all. This is a change of scenery. Everything we do is a reminder that in 2 years a person can drastically change your life. Before Ansley 2 years would not have changed anything much-but 2 years 2 months and 25 days has changed my life forever. There are many ways in which this little girl has changed me. Here are just a few and how they relate to vacation. Umm except the first one I just need to include it.
1. I never knew I could love freely and selfishly and "SO BIG"
2. Packing should not take only 20 minutes. I am supposed to have to pack lots of Ansley stuff to make sure that she has everything she needs
3. Going out to eat should not be easy
4. Being able to sleep in should not be an option
5. Not having to schedule in nap times is horrible
6. Having to take kids toys down to the beach for a sense of normalcy but not having Ansley to play with us them horrible (We take her "bucky" or bucket with us as a token of fun"
7. Watching other people play with their children at the beach brings a whole different feeling such as envy, anger, sadness
8. Having a nice convenient place directly on the beach with a pool does not seem so important-neither does having a DVD player or Noggin just in case we need to watch Dora, Blues Clues or Little Einsteins
9. Distance to drive is not important (but I am very aware that in the drive there are no stops for breaks, no car seat, and no little voice coming from the back seat)
10. No snuggle bug to wake up with in the morning or try to convince to snuggle in bed for just a bit. To wake up everyday into this hell and realize all over again that she is not here is dreadful.
Finally-Having to take Anlsey's picture and her blankie with us rather than her is crushing. I hate that to see her face everyday when we are on vacation that I have to bring one of her gorgeous 8 x 10 photos and her blankie for her smell. (We did bury her blankie with her-we had 2 that were alike so that one could be washed-this is the one that she was sleeping with when I found her and no, I have not washed it and do not know that I will.)
So after Ansley's death this is what "vacation" is like I said before not REALLY vacation but more of a change of scenery. 


  1. I lost my infant daughter in Sept of 2009. I am 46. I have an 18 and 20 yr old son. My husband and I were so excited to be expecting again after years. In some ways it is easier to be older & have experienced the devastation of my parents divorce, my dad forgetting his family of 25 years, his later alcoholism and suicide. His chosen death almost killed me as much as my daughter's death. I am, unfortunately, not a stranger to grief. My heart reaches out to you. I felt a real peace this week, feeling good my daughter isn't sharing my sorrow. I see, in my mind's eye, her reaching her arms far up in joy. Living and growing in heaven. I am blessed my sadness does not touch her. And I will know her again. I hope for us, you and me, both this peace and gladness for her happiness will carry us both into our own contentment.

  2. You and shane are such strong people. I know you may not feel like you are, but as I read this I can see it! And I don't blame you a bit for not washing that little blankie! I will always be praying for you guys!

  3. I accidently stumbled across your blog. My daughter Ansley,was born on March 3, 2007. She is two, now. THere are no words for me to say to you that can even begin for me to realize your pain. And I pray to God everyday I don't have to go through what you have had to go through. I pray with all my heart that you and your husband believe in God and are saved. HE is the only one who can bring you true peace and pull you through. Lean on him, and hand over your worries and strife. And know that your precious angel is in HIS hands. Thank you for sharing your journey, although I wish no one had to experience it first hand. I pray God continues to give you strength and hope. And please know (like another person wrote) reading this makes me enjoy every second more, even the crying and whining and I will cherish the Dora, Barney, and Blue's Clues more even when I think I can't watch them any longer. It will remind me to be thankful that they are on the Tv because she is here. May God bless you. You are in my prayers.