Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Vacation-not really

As Shane and I take our "big" vacation of the summer and Ansley's 2 year Angel Date has just passed on July 14th-I think that this is really not a vacation at all. This is a change of scenery. Everything we do is a reminder that in 2 years a person can drastically change your life. Before Ansley 2 years would not have changed anything much-but 2 years 2 months and 25 days has changed my life forever. There are many ways in which this little girl has changed me. Here are just a few and how they relate to vacation. Umm except the first one I just need to include it.
1. I never knew I could love freely and selfishly and "SO BIG"
2. Packing should not take only 20 minutes. I am supposed to have to pack lots of Ansley stuff to make sure that she has everything she needs
3. Going out to eat should not be easy
4. Being able to sleep in should not be an option
5. Not having to schedule in nap times is horrible
6. Having to take kids toys down to the beach for a sense of normalcy but not having Ansley to play with us them horrible (We take her "bucky" or bucket with us as a token of fun"
7. Watching other people play with their children at the beach brings a whole different feeling such as envy, anger, sadness
8. Having a nice convenient place directly on the beach with a pool does not seem so important-neither does having a DVD player or Noggin just in case we need to watch Dora, Blues Clues or Little Einsteins
9. Distance to drive is not important (but I am very aware that in the drive there are no stops for breaks, no car seat, and no little voice coming from the back seat)
10. No snuggle bug to wake up with in the morning or try to convince to snuggle in bed for just a bit. To wake up everyday into this hell and realize all over again that she is not here is dreadful.
Finally-Having to take Anlsey's picture and her blankie with us rather than her is crushing. I hate that to see her face everyday when we are on vacation that I have to bring one of her gorgeous 8 x 10 photos and her blankie for her smell. (We did bury her blankie with her-we had 2 that were alike so that one could be washed-this is the one that she was sleeping with when I found her and no, I have not washed it and do not know that I will.)
So after Ansley's death this is what "vacation" is like I said before not REALLY vacation but more of a change of scenery.